How do family alliances begin?
A baby is born, and almost immediately the comparisons begin: “It has its mother’s forehead”, “It has its father’s eyes” and so on. It’s as if belonging to the family is reinforced by the bonds of visible resemblance. Therefore, many times other similarities are forced “he’s just like his grandfather…”. This may be an attempt to overcome the perplexity of being in front of someone unique, who does not need similarities, either physical or psychological, generated by beliefs like “people from this family are brave”, or truths like “to be happy always deny unpleasant feelings – fear, loneliness, sadness among others – and put your head to work”.
Do family allegiances liberate or imprison?
The lessons learned by our ancestors about survival, safety and beliefs, are passed on by word or gesture, consciously or unconsciously, through the generations. These legacies can create greater bonding between members, increase resilience and adaptation, but they can also keep secrets that, if exposed, could threaten family identity. Issues related to sexuality, mental illness, alcoholism, drug or other substance abuse, encourage shame and secrecy “in our family we don’t have, nor do we talk about shameful behaviour”.
It is in the family that, initially, the principles of living together in society are moulded, an ethic of conduct is acquired and, in some cases, professions “the family business is catering, and everyone should be part of it”. Many aspects are conscious and out of conformism or fear of going against the family wishes, one goes into professions that are chosen or well regarded within the family, even if this is not one’s vocation or desire. This is a loyalty that can be followed in order to gain good graces, or just to ensure a connection that one would not otherwise have.
Another kind of loyalty is one that one carries unconsciously and, rather than facilitating the realisation of potential, creates tethers and serves to justify the existence of fears or ways of feeling. In fact, they made sense in the previous generation or generations, as a result of the social, political or cultural context, but not in the current one.
Some of these loyalties arise when people realise that sadness, anxiety, suicidal ideas or other emotional states are in some way experiences of the ancestors, associated with certain contexts, rather than of the person themselves. And to stop being sad or anxious is as if the person is in some way betraying, or being disloyal to one or more members of the family. The existence of taboo subjects and secrets can lead a person to consider themselves “defective”, because they think they are the first in the family to have a problem with alcohol, food or drugs.
Is it possible to inherit emotional experiences?
Ways of thinking, doing and attitudes are inherited from the family. Sometimes the affinity between two or more people manifests itself and is reinforced by common gestures, expressions or words. It is normal to associate the transmission of physical characteristics between generations as a phenomenon of genetics, but everything that concerns emotional activity, affective or traumatic experiences, would belong only to those who live them.
A study developed by Dora L. Costa and collaborators in 2018, identified a higher probability that children, born after their parents were prisoners of war, had a lower longevity compared to those who were not descended.
Research in people and animals is beginning to find through epigenetics, a mechanism by which the experiences of one life can be passed on to subsequent generations. These are small chemical changes that cause genetic information to be expressed or inhibited. These changes allow adaptation to environmental conditions without permanently changing the genetic code.
A 2016 study by Rachel Yehuda detected epigenetic changes in a gene involved in stress management. This researcher was one of the first to demonstrate, in a small study, how the descendants of holocaust victims had physical and emotional symptoms related to traumas they never experienced and revealed epigenetic changes. According to her, epigenetic changes have the function of amplifying the ways of adapting to situations of extreme aggression – accidents, famine, war, catastrophes, abuse – that threaten survival and provoke intense psychological reactions.
These changes were transmitted from fathers to sons, but not to daughters. It is sons who are more likely to experience the consequences, experienced by their parents, of exposure to life-threatening situations.
These wounds can be created by contagion through emotions – “in my family everybody is very anxious” – and by the absorption of ways of dealing with the world which, when not followed, threaten the expulsion of the family, “when something doesn’t go according to plan, it’s always our fault”. In this case, what united this family would be the feeling of guilt that existed whenever something didn’t go according to plan.
How to survive and take advantage of these family “legacies”?
Inheriting reactions and ways of coping with certain traumas can contribute to a greater capacity for survival and adaptation “after all it is safer to have someone who knows adversity by your side than someone who has never had to fight for anything?”
The studies mentioned suggest the transmission of emotional experiences through epigenetics. But, contrary to genetic determinism, these emotional heritages, in the light of knowledge of neurobiology, neuroscience and psychology, can be transformed, within the framework of psychotherapy, so that you do not leave your children with this “psychological baggage”, thus enabling them to have their own experiences and realise their own dreams.
